


What He Didn't Know He Needed

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, hurt-comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2007-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-01 07:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/353570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark goes to his father's grave on Christmas Eve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What He Didn't Know He Needed

## What He Didn't Know He Needed

by Hope Roy

[]()

* * *

The wind whipped across the graveyard, ruffling Clark's hair as he stood in front of his father's grave. Had he been human, the cold would have been biting, more than enough to drive him back to his truck. Sometimes he wished he could experience sensations like that--could know what it was like to be horribly, achingly cold, so much so that he'd have to go home. Strangely, he didn't want that right now. 

Right now, he wasn't ready to go home. 

It was Christmas Eve, but his house was empty and devoid of the warmth that usually filled it. Lana would be back later--she'd gone to spend the day with Nell--but people like his mother and father weren't coming home at all. His father wasn't coming because he couldn't, his mother because she had business to take care of in DC. 

He missed them both in a deep, painful way that he couldn't quite explain, much less address. 

"I wish you were here, Dad," he whispered, letting go of the picture in his hand. It fluttered to the ground, landing face up in front of the gravestone. Even in the dying light, Clark could make out the image of his family, all standing together in front of a Christmas tree. It hurt to realize that he'd never have that again. 

It took Clark a moment to realize that he had tears on his cheeks. Normally he'd have reached up and wiped them away, but today he just let them fall. It hardly seemed worth the effort to do otherwise. 

"Clark." 

The voice startled Clark, and he spun around. He was a little surprised to find Lex Luthor standing behind him, his hands deep in the pockets of his winter jacket. 

"What are you doing here?" Clark asked, not really able to even work up the effort it would take to sound angry. Slowly, he forced himself to wipe away the tears before Lex could see. 

"I saw your truck on the side of the road." 

Clark nodded. Lex had seen his truck, and so naturally he'd been curious. Probably he'd been hoping for some kind of insight into the mystery that was Clark Kent. 

"Are you all right?" Lex asked as he moved a little closer. 

Clark sighed. He didn't feel like fighting. "Just go home, Lex. I don't want to fight." 

"So let's not." Lex's tone was quiet, so non-threatening as he stopped in front of Clark. It caught Clark off guard, and he said nothing as Lex pulled his jacket a little tighter to protect against the icy wind. "Let's just talk." 

"About what?" It had been a long time since he and Lex had managed to have a talk without it turning into heated words and accusations. 

Lex shrugged. "Anything. Nothing. Whatever you want." 

"Do you hate me?" The words rolled off Clark's tongue before he'd even really thought about the consequences of speaking them aloud. He shouldn't let Lex know that the idea of that hurt, was hurting more by the minute. And maybe he didn't really want an answer, because knowing Lex hated him would make him just as dead to Clark as if Lex had been in the ground, right where Jonathan Kent was. 

Clark didn't want to lose another person, even if he knew he'd been teetering on the brink of it for a long time now. 

Lex didn't hesitate at all in his answer. "No, Clark, I don't hate you." 

"You act like you do." 

For some reason, that caused Lex to laugh. "So do you--you act like you hate me, too. But I think that you know I can't ever hate you. It would be easier for me to want to kill you than it would be for me to hate you." 

"That doesn't make sense." 

"No one ever said it did," Lex replied, nodding. "But it's true." 

Lex fell silent after that, and Clark just let him. It was easier to stand side by side, looking down at Jonathan Kent's grave then it was to talk. Oddly, it was somehow comfortable, and maybe not as lonely as it had been a few minutes ago. 

It was Lex who finally broke the silence. "Why are you out here, Clark?" he asked, looking up towards the near-dark sky. He had to squint against the falling snowflakes. "You have people who love you at home. Why not spend Christmas Eve with them?" 

Clark shrugged. "Not really. Mom's in DC. Lana's in Metropolis." 

"And so you came here? It seems a morose choice for Christmas Eve." 

"Like going to visit your mother's grave?" Clark would bet money that Lex had been there at some point today, and somehow the thought scared him a little. It was difficult to think that maybe he and Lex had more in common than he'd like to think. Still, in some ways it was almost comforting, in a sense that Clark didn't want to examine too closely. 

"You have living people who love you, Clark," Lex replied quietly. _I don't_ hung in the air almost as clearly as if he'd said it. 

Clark didn't look at him, not wanting to see his face. "People care about you, Lex." 

Lex chuckled bitterly. "You don't. Not anymore." 

The thing was, that wasn't true. Clark had tried and tried not to care, but he'd never quite been able to cut that tie. Every time Clark had almost written Lex off as completely morally bankrupt, something flickered, giving Clark a glimpse of the friend he'd thought was gone. It was usually tiny, but it was always enough to pull him back in. 

"You know that thing you were saying about being unable to hate me?" he asked, finally turning to look Lex in the face. "It goes both ways, you know." 

Something shone in Lex's eyes for just a moment, but it was gone before Clark could identify it. "I was never out to hurt you." 

Clark shrugged. "But you did. And I hurt you, too. We both made mistakes." 

Lex nodded. "It seems rather pointless, doesn't it? Things that we thought were the end-all at the time just seem trivial now, don't they? Maybe if we'd recognized that at the time, things wouldn't be happening like they are now." 

"It's a little late, isn't it?" Clark didn't want to admit regret now--he'd been doing so well without it. Sighing, he toed at the ground with the corner of his shoe. "I'm going to head home," he said quietly. "I think I've seen enough ghosts for one night." Lex didn't say anything, and so Clark turned to go. He'd made it about ten steps when he heard Lex call after him. 

"You're a good person, Clark. You shouldn't beat yourself up like this." 

Clark didn't know why that statement hurt so much--it shouldn't have, except he wasn't sure he was a good person. Good people didn't get their father killed, didn't borderline cheat with their x-best friend's fianc, and they probably didn't brood on their farm when there were people who would benefit from their gifts. 

At that moment, everything just seemed to overwhelm Clark. Everything he'd been trying to hold back just bubbled to the surface, leaving him feeling worse than he had in a long time. This _hurt_. 

Once the tears started rolling down his cheeks, Clark couldn't stop them. He felt the sobs welling up in his chest, but he couldn't' stop those, either. Instead, he just turned away from Lex, hoping he wouldn't see. 

The footsteps crunching in the snow as they approached weren't surprising, though the hand that came to rest on his shoulder was. "You're a good man, Clark," Lex murmured again, walking around until he stood in front of Clark. "A good son, a good boyfriend, and a good person. You make mistakes, just like we all do, but that doesn't mean you're a bad man." 

That was the last thing Clark had expected to hear from Lex, and yet it was somehow exactly who he needed to hear it from. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed his best friend. Lex had always been the older, smarter friend to Clark, always knowing just how to fix things and make them _seem_ better, even if they weren't. And now that Clark was realizing how much he'd missed that, it somehow made it hurt all the more. 

"I miss you," he whispered. 

Apparently that had been something Lex had needed to hear. Smiling sadly, he reached out and gently pulled Clark into a firm embrace. Almost immediately, Clark felt himself sinking into it. It felt good, like something he hadn't known he'd needed. Just the feeling of Lex's strong arms around him, holding him tightly, made him feel safe. He hadn't felt like that in so long. 

It felt good. 

"You still have me," Lex whispered against his hair. "All you need to do is ask." 

Closing his eyes, Clark felt something unclench inside of him. He hadn't even realized what he'd needed up until now, but Lex had somehow still found a way to give it to him. "Yes," he murmured, relaxing against Lex. Nothing had ever felt more like a new beginning. 


End file.
